Category Archives: new year’s resolutions for other people

New Year’s Resolutions For Other People 2017

cwuntzgwiaafogfThis is an annual thing that’s a cross between complaining and wanting everyone to be slightly or significantly better human beings. Some of them are duplicates from last January because, it has become obvious, many people are not paying attention.

  1. To the people who share cars with me. Stop leaving this kind of thing in the car: the keys (we live in BRIDGEPORT now, ok?); coffee cups where my coffee cup wants to go but can’t because yours was left there; any all foodstuffs and the bags they came in; no gas.
  2.  To cashiers. Stop saying “following guest” when you mean “next guest.” It’s not fancier, if that’s what you’re thinking.
  3. To waiters: Stop saying “no problem” when you mean “you’re welcome.” It should be clear to both of us that pouring me a glass of water is not a problem.
  4. To adult children who come to visit, taking all the phone chargers when they leave. Stop doing that.
  5. To celebrity “news” writers. Stop using these words (italics mine):
  • Kendall Jenner slayed in her mesh mini. Also stop with the Kardashians entirely. We have tired of them.
  • We’re obsessed with Hiddleswift. Also stop mashing up celebrity couple names.
  •  Body After Baby. They have trainers, nutritionists and nannies. Also this fatshames women who carry weight after childbirth, which is, actually, normal.

5. To Donald Trump. Stop tweeting. There are so very many things you can’t change about yourself but here’s one you can.

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6. Manspreaders on MetroNorth. Because you’re taking up my portion of the seat I’ve paid dearly for and also because every year I must complain about MetroNorth.

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New Year’s Resolutions for Other People 2015

Yesterday, I heard a tale about a mother who called her children on Jan. 1 with New Year’s greetings, along with helpful suggestions for resolutions for their consideration.

This was meant to be the punchline of a joke about meddling moms.

But I have been known to draft resolutions for others to adopt. For their sake but also mine, because I am so very inconvenienced by smokers who insist on congregating just outside my office building (resolution: why don’t you stop smoking) and the makers of pre-washed salad greens who mix in  those dark leaves that go bad instantly and make the whole bag smell horrible (resolution: why don’t you just stop doing that).

So maybe, to avoid become the punchline to a joke, I won’t offer helpful resolutions to my children, who are pretty perfect already. But for all others, here are ways you can become more generous, more efficient and so much more appreciated (by me) in 2015:

Bartenders: you will be perceived as more  generous if you pour a hearty 6 ounces of wine instead of sad-looking 4. Also, never serve a Bloody Mary without some sort of garni (aka a Naked Mary, blasphemous!). A whole stick full of olives, sausages and cheese hunks are preferred but at the very least shove in a celery stalk. I’m talking to you, Spinning Wheel restaurant.

Cashiers: when you hand me my change, don’t stack it onto the bill you have also handed me, making a tippy raft that I have to dismantle, holding up the whole line. Instant efficiency!

Cashiers, part two: explain to me why you suddenly all say “following guest?” when you want the next person in line to step up and pay. Why “following?” Why not “next?” Stop saying that.

Hulu Prime: be more like Netflix. Remember where I am in my show so when I return, I don’t have to figure it out on my own. And a word of warning: I broke up with my cable company because of commercials and yet you persist in showing them.

Hey Google (I think this is how you like to be addressed): Yes, I searched for that pair of shoes. But then I bought them. So that’s the very last ad you should be showing me, O.K.?

MetroNorth: Go to hell.

MetroNorth: over-bright, under-speedy and smelling, unforgiveably, like a bathroom.

MetroNorth: over-bright, under-speedy and smelling, unforgiveably, like a bathroom.

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new year’s resolutions for others

to the makers of bagged salad greens: skip the dark “oak” leaves, which spoil quickly and leave the rest of the mix smelling murky and bad. to people who live in my house: stop leaving your dirty dishes in the sink. to my dog: stop all of that excessive and noisy grooming at night, it’s keeping me up. to safari and google and facebook: stop updating all the time, people don’t like change. to the wine-glass manufacturers who affix those sticky labels that are impossible to remove: just stop.

Do these qualify as white girl problems?