This is an annual thing that’s a cross between complaining and wanting everyone to be slightly or significantly better human beings. Some of them are duplicates from last January because, it has become obvious, many people are not paying attention.
- To the people who share cars with me. Stop leaving this kind of thing in the car: the keys (we live in BRIDGEPORT now, ok?); coffee cups where my coffee cup wants to go but can’t because yours was left there; any all foodstuffs and the bags they came in; no gas.
- To cashiers. Stop saying “following guest” when you mean “next guest.” It’s not fancier, if that’s what you’re thinking.
- To waiters: Stop saying “no problem” when you mean “you’re welcome.” It should be clear to both of us that pouring me a glass of water is not a problem.
- To adult children who come to visit, taking all the phone chargers when they leave. Stop doing that.
- To celebrity “news” writers. Stop using these words (italics mine):
- Kendall Jenner slayed in her mesh mini. Also stop with the Kardashians entirely. We have tired of them.
- We’re obsessed with Hiddleswift. Also stop mashing up celebrity couple names.
- Body After Baby. They have trainers, nutritionists and nannies. Also this fatshames women who carry weight after childbirth, which is, actually, normal.
5. To Donald Trump. Stop tweeting. There are so very many things you can’t change about yourself but here’s one you can.
6. Manspreaders on MetroNorth. Because you’re taking up my portion of the seat I’ve paid dearly for and also because every year I must complain about MetroNorth.