New Year’s Resolutions for Other People 2015

Yesterday, I heard a tale about a mother who called her children on Jan. 1 with New Year’s greetings, along with helpful suggestions for resolutions for their consideration.

This was meant to be the punchline of a joke about meddling moms.

But I have been known to draft resolutions for others to adopt. For their sake but also mine, because I am so very inconvenienced by smokers who insist on congregating just outside my office building (resolution: why don’t you stop smoking) and the makers of pre-washed salad greens who mix in  those dark leaves that go bad instantly and make the whole bag smell horrible (resolution: why don’t you just stop doing that).

So maybe, to avoid become the punchline to a joke, I won’t offer helpful resolutions to my children, who are pretty perfect already. But for all others, here are ways you can become more generous, more efficient and so much more appreciated (by me) in 2015:

Bartenders: you will be perceived as more  generous if you pour a hearty 6 ounces of wine instead of sad-looking 4. Also, never serve a Bloody Mary without some sort of garni (aka a Naked Mary, blasphemous!). A whole stick full of olives, sausages and cheese hunks are preferred but at the very least shove in a celery stalk. I’m talking to you, Spinning Wheel restaurant.

Cashiers: when you hand me my change, don’t stack it onto the bill you have also handed me, making a tippy raft that I have to dismantle, holding up the whole line. Instant efficiency!

Cashiers, part two: explain to me why you suddenly all say “following guest?” when you want the next person in line to step up and pay. Why “following?” Why not “next?” Stop saying that.

Hulu Prime: be more like Netflix. Remember where I am in my show so when I return, I don’t have to figure it out on my own. And a word of warning: I broke up with my cable company because of commercials and yet you persist in showing them.

Hey Google (I think this is how you like to be addressed): Yes, I searched for that pair of shoes. But then I bought them. So that’s the very last ad you should be showing me, O.K.?

MetroNorth: Go to hell.

MetroNorth: over-bright, under-speedy and smelling, unforgiveably, like a bathroom.

MetroNorth: over-bright, under-speedy and smelling, unforgiveably, like a bathroom.

Advertisements
Tagged , ,

One thought on “New Year’s Resolutions for Other People 2015

  1. Matt potter says:

    The cashier and bartender things have been bugging me for years!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: