Monthly Archives: January 2015

Susan Orlean Chimes In

OH NO HAS NYC RUN OUT OF KALE??

But also, neatly expressing the kind-of disappointment over the fizzled out storm:

I love how everyone is all Oh no! Blizzard!! Catastrophe!! And then when it’s no big deal, it’s all You Promised Us a Blizzard! You lied!

If everyone were as pithy as Miss Orlean, I might start following Twitter in some small way. As it is, just the thought of it exhausts me.

Snowmaggedon

Silly enough moniker but here comes “kalemaggedon,” to describe a run on kale so severe that there’s not a leaf to be found.

Let’s just calm down now people.

FHB

FHB

Explain doubt to me

… because at that moment I ceased to understand it.
In return I’ll tell you everything I know about love ~ Ann Patchett on when she knew she was meant to marry the man she had been uncertain about for so long.

A truer expression of love I myself have never read.

Read this book.

Read this book.

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Style Guide for 50-Plus Women – Wardrobe Tips for Women Over 50 – AARP

Style Guide for 50-Plus Women – Wardrobe Tips for Women Over 50 – AARP.

Hey Captain Obvious over at the AARP: this makes me want to kill myself!

Cardigans: The best cardigan I’ve found so far is the Classic Cardigan from Merona at Target ($19.99 and up).  Really, the best?

Tank tops: Get them in white, black and cream to wear under the cardigans, jackets, blouses and sweaters. A tank top under a blouse? 

Black fitted jacket: Wear it with jeans, skirts, dresses, pants — everything. Hadn’t thought about a jacket and jeans; I should try that! 

I’m going to draft some New Year’s Resolutions for the AARP too. They could use some helpful advice from me.

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New Year’s Resolutions for Other People 2015

Yesterday, I heard a tale about a mother who called her children on Jan. 1 with New Year’s greetings, along with helpful suggestions for resolutions for their consideration.

This was meant to be the punchline of a joke about meddling moms.

But I have been known to draft resolutions for others to adopt. For their sake but also mine, because I am so very inconvenienced by smokers who insist on congregating just outside my office building (resolution: why don’t you stop smoking) and the makers of pre-washed salad greens who mix in  those dark leaves that go bad instantly and make the whole bag smell horrible (resolution: why don’t you just stop doing that).

So maybe, to avoid become the punchline to a joke, I won’t offer helpful resolutions to my children, who are pretty perfect already. But for all others, here are ways you can become more generous, more efficient and so much more appreciated (by me) in 2015:

Bartenders: you will be perceived as more  generous if you pour a hearty 6 ounces of wine instead of sad-looking 4. Also, never serve a Bloody Mary without some sort of garni (aka a Naked Mary, blasphemous!). A whole stick full of olives, sausages and cheese hunks are preferred but at the very least shove in a celery stalk. I’m talking to you, Spinning Wheel restaurant.

Cashiers: when you hand me my change, don’t stack it onto the bill you have also handed me, making a tippy raft that I have to dismantle, holding up the whole line. Instant efficiency!

Cashiers, part two: explain to me why you suddenly all say “following guest?” when you want the next person in line to step up and pay. Why “following?” Why not “next?” Stop saying that.

Hulu Prime: be more like Netflix. Remember where I am in my show so when I return, I don’t have to figure it out on my own. And a word of warning: I broke up with my cable company because of commercials and yet you persist in showing them.

Hey Google (I think this is how you like to be addressed): Yes, I searched for that pair of shoes. But then I bought them. So that’s the very last ad you should be showing me, O.K.?

MetroNorth: Go to hell.

MetroNorth: over-bright, under-speedy and smelling, unforgiveably, like a bathroom.

MetroNorth: over-bright, under-speedy and smelling, unforgiveably, like a bathroom.

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